I remember life in the womb before being born. How I died

 I REMEMBER BEING IN THE WOMB and how I died in the womb (had a near death experience!) I remember seeing redish light (it's not black in tne womb), started to suffacate (my mother had preeclampsia, high blood pressure in pregnancy and complications), didn't have air, struggled, my head was hurting very badly, fainted, than came to, and then died. I also remember my head bones snaping, my soul went out of the body, feeling like I was big as three houses, went towards light, up up, it was so beautiful, I just wanted to be there, but got sucked back to my body. When my heart started to beat again it really hurt pushing blood to all the big and small veins, like being stabbed by thousands of needles. I always had this memory, but my mum never even told anyone my heart stopped beating for a short while. She didn't want to upset anyone. She only told her husband and mother that there were complications, but that I am all right. I told her my memory at 26 and she couldn't believe I can remember, but I can. Now she knows and believes me. 

The scent of the decades

To me each decade has a different smell, taste, feeling. In the '80, '90, everything was sweet, almost vanilla taste, warm, fuzzy, the hair were big, fluffy, the trousers were loose, you could make your own clothes by coloring them in random color in the washer, writing slogans and peace signs all over them. You could be creative and create almost whatever you pleased, you could even wear a lower part of pajamas and a sweater from your father, and you would be IN! Cut those jeans there, cut a shirt short, tie it into a nut under the chest, put a big bow in your hair, let your hair dry naturally- the bigger, wavier and fuzzier- the better! Everything was loose, aloud, free, loving, sweet. Girls were warm, sweet too.
The last two decades are different. It smells of technology, smog, stress, it is cold, serious, it is weird to be too sweet, it's OUT even in human nature.You have to be serious, you are far more restricted, only a few hairstyles go, and the more straight, ironed, shiny, polished, unnatural, the better. The clothes are so dull, simple, you mustn't put too much accessories on or you look too trashy. Natural is not good. You have to have push-up bras, spandex, very high heels, so that your legs seem longer, you have to be very skinny, and if you're not all that, you have to correct it. You cannot mix too much colors together, three is top, wear a rainbow shirt and they call you a hippie. We are being so restricted, we cannot be free, ourselves, we must be corrected. I keep on waiting for the fashion to change, and slowly am beginning to see, that polished hair have been sometimes replaced by big waves, it is getting a little better, but still. I am missing allstars sneakers, big wavy fluffy hair with big red or pink lips, loose pants and loose one-shoulder dance shirts, big bows in my hair, shirts with songs written on (that I wrote), freedom... Maybe, or most certainly it is so, it's a growing thing too. All the things are the things that separate Youth and Adulthood, but still...the Carnival time is upon us- I see this time as an opportunity to be whatever I want and whoever I want for one night. I can live out my sentiment than,wright? ;) So,what will you be dressed as? 

Fresh start

In the middle of my life, I've accomplishedmany goals already. I've got married, have a wonderful husband and two lovely, healthy kids, a steady job. So, it's time to make new goals. What else do I want from life? Right now, I really miss me time and time to clean my apartment and to make it more zen. Cause right now it's colorful, playful and messy- baroque, as I call it, cozy, as I call it, but what I really mean is a little bit messy, without a certain style, so overall expressing me. :)

Nesting

My life is so much different now, that I'm a mom. I enjoyed my first year in a new role and when I got back to work, I enjoyed that too. For a short while, but than decided I wanted another baby soon. My philosophy is that it's better if the children aren't to many years apart, so that they can play together and above all- I had my first child at the age of 30 and felt I wanted to be a young mother to all my children...so, the sooner, the better, right? Well, we got pregnant very quickly the second time too and it turned out, now that I am at my last weeks (or even days- God only knows!) of my second pregnancy, I am sort of feeling sorry for my first-born child. I feel he needs me still so much, he is always in my lap, cuddling. And it's hard for me to imagine how it's going to be, when the baby takes his place in my lap for most of the day. I comfort myself that maybe our second-born will not be so demanding in means of attention and cuddling, like I see in many cases with my friend's second babies, but we will just wait and see. I am sort of in a strange mood lately.

Creative thinking, mood and autoumn time

The only time of the year I really hate is the rainy-foggy season of late fall and early spring. Which is now. Halloween is OK, with artistic carving of pumpkins, which is always an opportunity to be creative and I cannot wait Christmas and New Years 2012, but the time in between is suffer! Because of the cold and unfriendly weather we are forced to spend more time inside and along with depressive weather comes depressive mood. I don't have much energy, am like the fog, without energy.

But at the end I always come out with many solutions to my problems, which is good. I THINK a lot, and depressive mood is good for deep thoughts about my current position in life, my goals, my obstacles, and I can find a way out. So, even though I don't DO as much as in sunny days, I am actually sometimes more productive, because it is hard to run away from one-self when you are alone with Ur thoughts.

Reality TV shows can be therapeutic

I used to have a lot of bad habits, I admit. I used to fill my empty space with lots of internet browsing, gossip, lots of reality TV, such as Newlyweds, Top model, Married to rock, Kendra, etc. Lately I don't watch that so much, I really narrowed it down to follow only news about one couple, and it's Vanessa and Nick Lachey. I asked myself why? And now I have the answer.

I am actually healing through watching that particular couple. I am a firm believer of marriage and believe that what God has joined, no man should divide.

Do you want to get married?

I wonder a lot about weddings and marriage. Apart from being a marriage and family counselor, I am fascinated by photography, wedding photography in particular;I am also a firm believer
in the institution of marriage.

I believe that homosexual couples should also have a possibility of marrying, adopting and raising a child. Maybe it’s true that a child needs both gender parents, but in today’s world there are many families without a father due to a divorce, death, and it’s important to know that many fathers are working in other countries or are by will or circumstances very distant from their families for most of the time. So, what is better? Two loving mothers or two loving fathers or one disappointed mother who has to take care of her children on her own? Maybe I wouldn’t be so much decided on this, if I didn’t have a woman friend, that knew she was a lesbian for most of her life, and to see her get married (or better be joined in a union) with her partner, have a child by donor and they raise that child together with such love, that many “ordinary” couples can’t give to their children. So, should you just give up on your dream of having a family if you are not straight? I sure hope not!

I believe that once you realize you are homosexual, you know you are not going to have an easy life, there are many obstacles waiting for you, and why make it harder for them by distancing them from their dream of marrying and having a family?

It's interesting how many gay couples strive to get married and how it seems that majority straight couples are avoiding it. What are the reasons for fewer weddings in the last period or if people get married - they get married after they already have children (maybe because they realize that you are already bound by children and that it is more convenient to have the same last name). Is it because of the increasing divorce rate, too many examples of marriage gone wrong in the society? Is it mostly because of the high expenses involved in organizing a wedding and low salaries? Are people so against tradition that they think it will not bring them any good or do they mistakenly believe that if you separate while living together for a long time but without being married, that their possessions will not be divided into half and distributed between partners. Well the law says if ...

We all dream big

For as long as I can remember, I dreamed big. I wanted it all. A good, well-payed job, a happy family, a big house, many good friends, a fancy car, etc. My father always said I was not on solid ground, that I was not realistic (like he considered himself to be). I always replied he was a pessimist and I and optimist.

I like to dream, because I realize, that I can be what I allow myself to dream, and no more. I experienced it on my skin. What I really wanted, I could visualize, that I could and did achieve. The secret teachings helped me to get there and is continuing to help me on my way.

So you know the anecdote about the frog? Frogs competed in climbing on a tree. The other frogs were shouting at the competitors, that frogs weren't meant to climb and that they will never achieve.

Leting go

A sudden feeling of sadness has come over me. I was enjoying singing a very beautiful song during practice in our choir, when I had that feeling again. A feeling that my father came to see me from the land beyond death.
Lately I have had quite many such encounters. It is always the same- a very warm, almost hot feeling comes over me and I feel his presence. Sometimes I can even feel what he feels, just as I did as he was still alive. We were very much connected by feelings.
And as I was sitting there, enjoying in singing, I felt my father's remorse, that he rarely heard my beautiful voice, which was so pure in this special song, very well known to me. I couldn't hold back the tears. It was mostly my father's sadness, but some of it was me missing him and especially the memory of him and the mountains in the song that he loved so much. It is as people said: "Sometimes the dead are closer to us, then when they were alive, because now they can be everywhere, where you are, but before they were limited to one place." And maybe because they have more time now.

It is hard. I still haven't let go of him, and I sure hope I will be able to do that in the future. But for now it doesn't feel so.

Victory- there is life after death!

I used to be afraid of ghosts. The ones from the movies. It gives me the creeps, just thinking about the movie The six sense, The circle, etc. Horror movies, thrillers have convinced us, that death is a spooky thing. But actually it's not. It's natural and sometimes even redemptive. AND I ACTUALLY HAVE A PROOF OF LIFE AFTER DEATH!

My father was very ill for a long time, and a week ago (I can't believe it's been a week already!) he passed away. He was struggling with his disease for 5 years and although I believe it's really hard to be prepared to die, because you cannot know for sure what's waiting on the other side and because of the attachment to your life, body, family, friends,..., my father was, as much as you can be. He accepted that he will die. He never wanted to complain, even though he suffered enormous pain for a very long time, but once he said to my mother: "Why do I have to suffer so much? What have I done?" I don't know what's the purpose of our suffering here on Earth. I believe that my father did many more good deeds than bad, but I'm not God, to tell. Maybe, just maybe, suffering at the end sort of helps us to leave all of it behind, so that we can let go easier. It was hard, but sort of a relief to me, when he said, that it's all too much, and that he wants to go.

He worked until he couldn't stand anymore. He knew that when he will stop working, he is never going to walk, drive, work anymore. Just the mere thought of that still makes me sad to pieces. It happened around new year eve. He couldn't get up from his bed anymore. He said: "My work's done. Now let others do theirs."

His spirit was so strong until the end, I started thinking that he will live on, even though his body wasn't. And so it was.