Leting go

A sudden feeling of sadness has come over me. I was enjoying singing a very beautiful song during practice in our choir, when I had that feeling again. A feeling that my father came to see me from the land beyond death.
Lately I have had quite many such encounters. It is always the same- a very warm, almost hot feeling comes over me and I feel his presence. Sometimes I can even feel what he feels, just as I did as he was still alive. We were very much connected by feelings.
And as I was sitting there, enjoying in singing, I felt my father's remorse, that he rarely heard my beautiful voice, which was so pure in this special song, very well known to me. I couldn't hold back the tears. It was mostly my father's sadness, but some of it was me missing him and especially the memory of him and the mountains in the song that he loved so much. It is as people said: "Sometimes the dead are closer to us, then when they were alive, because now they can be everywhere, where you are, but before they were limited to one place." And maybe because they have more time now.

It is hard. I still haven't let go of him, and I sure hope I will be able to do that in the future. But for now it doesn't feel so.

In my everyday life I stopped wearing black, mostly because I felt it was enough and because I am not only sad, but also very happy that his soul lives on and is still so much around me. And I found that black only sets me back into sadness, not helping me focus on the beautiful part of death, which is setting free from all the pain, sorrow, sadness and especially being free and being closer to God. It is spring, everything is blossoming and everyone wears fresh spring colors. I want to go on with my life.

But on the other hand I also find, that with my father's death, something weird happened.
In my past I was always trying to get over sad things to quickly. I didn't give it enough time.
In the past I remember my boyfriend telling me I must let things unveil like it is in nature, every relationship takes time to develop and time to die. I didn't listen. I was proud, went on quickly, but later hurt for much longer, because the hurt, pain and sorrow came back in a much greater way. Now I realise there was a point in my life, where I had many sorrows combined: the end of a long-term relationship, moving, the passing of my beloved dog and my grandmother's last husband. I guess I never took enough time to get past all of this. Of course now I am stuck in sorrow. I take one step forward and 2 back. I was so pleased wearing a splash of colors and that my choir will probably rename itself, but now I am sad. Feeling the remorse of my father, being stuck in the past.

I wanna go on, but can't. Wasn't it enough? I guess not. I have to come back to myself and try to work out my issues yet again. Visualize the gratefulness I feel for all the people and dog that were a part in my life in the past, try to gently remove all the energy cords that still bind us so much it's overwhelming me to much and enabling me to live in the now.