Empty your cup

Life is funny. When you think your life is finally full, you have to "empty your cup".
I thought now, finally, I have it all. I have a degree, a fine job, a wonderful husband, an angel child, a good car. But... facing my father's dieing has made me rethink.

It's so weird talking to my father every day, knowing he is not going to be with us for much longer. We are talking weeks, maybe maybe months, if we're lucky. And he is so at peace with death. He is just smiling, playing with his grandson. I know he is in a lot of pain, and I asked him the other day if he is at peace with death, looking so calm. He said: "What else can I do?" in the most peaceful way. It's so hard for me to even imagine living without my father so soon in my life.

Death is the ultimate deadline. And I'm not good with deadlines.
I like the freedom of life. I do things when I want them, as I want them, even at my job as a counselor I make my own schedule (most of the time) and projects I want to do. I painted my office like I wanted, and my apartment likewise - it's a total reflection of me. I put affirmations on my kitchen wall and on the mirror, I make a Christmas tree weeks before Christmas, I buy swimsuits in the winter, because I like it like that. My need for freedom is probably the result of my strict upbringing, but in the words of my smart sister: "That's Maja." Now, I realize, that most things are fluid, but some are rigid. Like for example time of studying and tests. You decide how much time you'll spend studying, but the test is given on the specific day. Don't think I didn't try to turn even that around! In my manner in high school I always had an excuse not to have an exam on a given date- sickness, oversleeping, performance with cheerleaders the day before, etc. And if that didn't go well with the professors, and they all got tired of my excuses, I pulled my connections with the vice headmaster of our prestige high school. I went to get him and he gently told my professor that we must support our school sports team, and if there really isn't any way of postponing my oral exam. It worked like a charm, every time. The only problem was, that than I would have up to 5 different exams in the same week! Well, that's how I learned to do chores immediately as they are assigned. And I must tell you, the need to do everything right away and especially if I need his help- drives my husband mad! So, I softened in that area, doing something immediately, something later, and something never.

Back to my point. I know there's a mission in this life for everyone. I know mine is to help and guide with my writing and at my job, to do good, to be a good mother, wife, friend. Most of the time I think I have enough time, and do things slowly. But it's hard for me to reprehend that my father completed what he had in his life, but I feel there's nothing else left there for him on this Earth. It's like in a relationship, whether it's with your friend or partner, when you come to the point where there's nothing more to say. Did it ever happen to you? It did to me.
And death's just like that. Your mission is at end. But it's so much easier to let go of one person, (even though I have big problems even in that area) then there is to everything you know. Your body, family, friends, pets, house, life.

What counts in the end? Nothing, except, knowing that you did good and did what you felt you have to do in this short time we have here. So, there, I emptied my cup of my fear of deadlines, my fear of losing and my emotions. Now I feel free and can go to bed, knowing that life is like sand in your hands- sometimes you hold so tight, it slips right through your hands, but if you open your hand it will stay on.